fresh tears

I feel like turning off the lights in my room. The darkness in the room would in shame match that of anger I’ve succumbed to.

I am a good student in school. My particular school may not be one of the best, but I am responsible as a student and I do not pursue a rebellious track of minuses in my dicipline card. Teachers notice me for my etiquette.

Yet on a good sunday, after a trip to the grandmother’s I am the topic of rebuke from my parents. It was as if  as loud as I was their heads were covered with an inch of rubber. I’m not soft, I just have a tendency of crying when I’ve reached a point of certain anger. When the rumbles and bubbles in a pot can no longer be kept unattended or unnoticed, it bursts out in release right?

I held in the threat that typed itself out in my mind. I was capable of rebel or worse, but cruelty in choice is not the last thing that happens, and my conscience is too good to allow it. Off all the silly things in the world, of a kuali that i didnt notice to wash.

You know whats the main point? Even when I’ve done my best, its never enough. I’m sick of it. I know its part of me being a teenager..I just wish they’d get it. The thick ropes a tightening at my ankles and the nagging is getting out of proportion. I do my work. I do my chores. I may be late in some chores, but I do it in the end.

My escape is in my room with the guitar. My escape is you. As much as I want to be perfect, and much as I want to please my parents all the time, I can’t do it. They made it clear. I’m so tired of all of this. I don’t want to talk anymore, if all you hear is yell. Even when its soft, you hear the things you like.

My head is so wound up and my throat is sore. I feel my heart so hot in my chest aching to release. I am so close to just letting it go.Why bother. Who cares. I cant even cry now, I cant even breathe out my pain.

I know I’m better than this, I know this is stupid thinking. But just for now, just watch me and let me let go of this burden. Just let me wish of Heaven without guilt of the lost. Just let my soul cry to you in its most pitiful sobs. Let the cliche be formed on my crimson lips that ‘I am only human. Give me a break.’ 

***

Drawing myself out of all the emotions that have already dug their roots, I already know its no use to let go. I believe and I want to do all that I can in this life. For you, in the people..I want to be accommplished in my dreams, I want to be successful.

Mostly, its just that golden thread that can’t be broken even if the strongest demon tried. I am tied to the Light, theres no way I’d let go.

You fail, demon.

Wern Lei