Unexpected, but expected.

In the midst of joy and discovery, I slipped into this without prior notice.

Its awful to feel like you’re the last to realize and when you do and immediately run for it,  you reach and find that you’re not in the same place as that person anymore.

I guess when I finally felt the spark, I also remembered everything. The years, the laughter, the familiarity that I grew to love.

That person I thought would always be there for me, and I didnt have to rush cause you know..I would marry him in the end. And that was my kiddy thoughts.

The things I didnt know, that I know now only to be two years later. I’m going through the same as that person had to two years ago, and I’m struggling. Pulling myself to get through this phase.

Sad because of disappointment. I thought you would always want me. Where was I when you changed?

But, however things turn out I must believe that things are meant to be. Its not the right time either, I admit. We’re changing and growing and stretching so much, and I could never determine the future..maybe you aren’t the one. How could I know. Ugh. Sinking feeling.

Still, as I try and let go, try and be numb, be okay. I’m scared if it doesn’t return, but if it does I hope we’ll be in the same place in our lives and meet again if we’re meant to.

Because I’ve been praying for this person, who? I don’t know yet..but trust that we’ll find each other will be all I’ll hold on to till then.

God, please help me cause I really need your love right now.

Lei

Your eyes are full of the future of us.

Amazing conversations that brain-pick and leave more than crumbs for the brain to munch and gnaw at. That’s just what I love.

I’m very thankful. Very thankful of today’s sudden meet up with an old acquaintance, his insight and knowledge. Hours upon hours of talking and pondering, and at the same time sponging off from his grasp of You. 

I’m very thankful. My first day of being a part of the team. Finally I believe this is the right time, I am joyful that you’ve brought me here. Steady enough now I am to know my motives, still I will be stubborn and not be bought or get comfortable. I am with goal, this I must remember.

I will not stop dreaming, as much as the walls built up appear bigger or higher. I must persistently have faith, knocking till I see a path shining through the cracks. And the walls will come down as I believe you will make a way.

 

 

I don’t know, but you know.

I can’t, but you can.

 

 

Lei

 

My strength, My Joy and My Everything.

If you’ve played the Facebook game, Sims, you will know what I’m talking about.

Listening to music, eating, dancing and meeting new people increases ‘inspiration’ points.

And inspiration points make you level up.

Plain and simple, the truth is that’s the way we are. I was feeling really empty and hope-less, but it took a great camp powered up with an amazing speaker for a great week. Then yesterday, just swirling round and round on my amazingly beautiful swirly chair and listening to good music, I was walking on sunshine.

And again today, a great reunion and conversation brought me refreshment of my spirit.

Lately, I’ve been through up and down’s of emotions messy and confusing. I realize that it takes only so much for us to lose ‘inspiration’ energy. Then we take steps a little less bouncy; then our grins take more to stay..

For me, talking does it. Talking to friends dusty and new makes a day so much more done! But one true way I find strength is these really personal conversations I have with someone. Whether laughing or crying, as all the waters of my mind touch, these colours I paint out to my companion that I rely on day and night. Try as I may, I would share my heart with this person I rely on the most. And rely, is a sacred thing.

My joy is being like this, the same person I am, and catching up with non-believing friends because its not unheard of where religion becomes a barrier for good friendships and I am grateful for every one of genuine bonds I have that own respect and acceptance. I sincerely do believe in my heart of hearts that some are moments away from being claimed by Faith. Just asking them of their life’s status and simply being worried about them, I know love is being channeled through. Satisfying is showing love to others, knowing that its love more than my own.

Recently, through actions of a special person even as innocent as logic would explain, I got hurt. Honestly, why is my heart so tender sometimes? But at that point, i felt love fall around my body and in it. Instead of crying for someone who wouldn’t even realized what he did to me, I was overwhelmed by a love so warm for me.

Like’s been said, I’ve been through Up Ups and Down Downs and up down up downs lately. Albeit, as much as I have ached and been scarred, never have I felt more for something, or someone I’ve never seen in flesh or heard in decibels. And this isn’t a boy anymore.

2011 hasn’t been the best of the best, but it has been good and I know I have grown. Knowing I can reach out and find strength in a secret place from someone so reliable, I know 2012 will be great and unbeatable.

To my inspiration, my love-giver, My Everything

Do a deeper work in me this year.

 

 

This post is dedicated to the Lord, My God,

also to an amazing friend/ mentor/ sister/ the best of a friend, ever! You are my loyal reader and I will forever treasure you because through you, I have felt and been changed by His love.

 

Love, just that and its enough.

 

Lei.