Then there is today.

Maybe its that time coming round again. No, not Christmas. Although strangely bearing some resemblance.

Just a day where the bad bits out weigh the good bits more than aplenty. Tests were okay, one down three more days to go. But tuition today was unexpectedly bad. The combo of being asked to sit  together by and with a bunch of guys that speak hardly any English, which includes one that they are plotting to get me back with via a language they seem to think I don’t comprehend. And not forgetting the feeling of stupidity plastered all over your mind. 

Micro is clearly not my subject. Whereas Geography is such an ego-booster. I love geography. 

About stupidity and plaster and me. Its all happening again, like when I went for Accounts and stopped and joined another Accounts. The same big-time branch-all-over-town tuition centers. Might as well called animal farms. Okay I’m sorry, stress and discomfort = contempt, right now.

And this thing my friend said to me about me always being ‘this way’. Thinking back and forth about something, someone and I mean.. Out of the many interests and things that almost happened, nothing happened. I know consciously that I don’t want it, now and that’s a big reason why it doesn’t amount.

But, love. Ugh, love. Finally felt like I was falling for someone, and finding out someone had fallen for me almost simultaneously. But unfortunately, the person dissimilar. I can’t take his love, although my mind  bicker and bandy constantly of a love I want but not settling with. Because this just isn’t what I want. Its so easy, but its horrible the thought. I know now, I could never reciprocate it. 

Such is love also, to let you find it cheating your feelings. Maybe I’m suppose to learn something here, but like I’ve told Him..Why is it that those letting me down are my brothers and sisters? Its not like I’m letting it affect my faith, but when due time approaches and necessarily friends of accountability are needed.. I search in a sea of people, and find little I trust with water I can drink. 

Trying to only rely on You.

And drying myself out of tears, cause its not easy.

 

 

 

Breathing it in, and smiling it out.

Lei