Taking time to think.

About family, love and my walk.

They are my weakness. How do you undoubtedly love someone but still have room for blame and unforgiveness. I don’t know or rather I don’t hope that I haven’t forgiven them, but the hurt is always there. Even if I hold no more ill feelings, with certainty, there is still hurt now that hasn’t left me. The reason I cry and bite back and find it so hard to associate myself with any Godly service. Time and time again trying to improve, pushing to redeem myself but it is always blatantly clear that God doesn’t take this. 

I know someone who went against her/his elders in pursuit of a God-centered passion. And now is a rooted God lover. Why have the lines blurred and was it the right choice? Removing themselves from the temptation to sin, and doing something good in church at the risk of being a hypocrite.

It is normal, it is really really normal to have fights and be angry and disagree. But my guilty conscience -and thing is, I know. I’m wrong, but constantly being here is hard. I’m getting older and ..

I just want to stop blaming them. 

For all their wrongs and flaws. For expecting me to be a better person when they make little effort. To not look back at all the years and think of all the scars and nicks I’ve gotten within the deepest part of my spirit. The part where time hasn’t fully healed yet. 

My brother said “..we’re all scarred” and all of us has chosen different methods of coping with accepting history and dealing with it. 

 

I’ll continue in some time..

We’re all looking.

I thought I found.

 

Even if not, I know I’m getting closer to finding true love. And the closer I get, the closer I come to being able to let go and run to it whenever it will arrive.

 

 

 

 

 

kelly.