Playing pretend

Can I be honest?

Not writing here has been like cutting off an extra limb, one that nobody sees and one that can do something others can’t.

Why. Because “everything you say, is everything you have to say to the world.” Because I just wanted to put it aside and ‘focus’ on my studies. Because for a long moment I felt exposed to other people’s staring glances and judging opinions. Because like when I was I kid, I wanted to close my eyes and hope if I couldn’t see you -you wouldn’t see me as well.

But can I be honest? -Something I dare not do anymore with people I’m supposed to be close with.

This year has had probably the most amount of crummy months clumped up together, cause there’s a good pause then it starts again. Can I tell you that stpm is hard. Its literally a battle between the mind and the body and your own will, because both your mind and body will tell you its impossible to contain such amounts of  information and then actually having to continue to add to the pile daily while your will knows better than to tell you to give up.

I didn’t realize how sad I was inside until I was talking to God in my room. Not a depression nor a heartache, more disappointed. But I guess I expected things to be easier by now, to get better as time passes. I mean things were good, they could’ve gotten better – but they didn’t.

I didn’t expect that an economic crisis from a thousand miles away could ever affect my family’s little financial system, much more that when I find myself in this difficult situation, supposedly close friends can’t seem to accommodate me.

In many ways, I know that expectations lead to let downs, but then if I am hopeful won’t I plan for good things to happen and expect the best? Then again, maybe I should just hope and not expect. To me, it just naturally goes hand in hand.

Half a page later, I still haven’t got to what I really want to say.