Philos

There are times where I’ve felt this way before.

Times where I’d be watching a good or only slightly above average program on television, or just done with a chore or whatever I was previously occupied or still preoccupied with, when all lines from my face will just disappear. My eyes sink in like curling into its sockets and I feel a kind of weariness. And maybe it feels like sadness or melancholy, but there’s no real cause to it.

I know it is God.

Only after years of really knowing God, can I say that I recognize this. I was born into a Christian family, but I never felt love the way God showed me until I was 14. And I know, because I could be so happy; relaxing for days on end, or having great days in school and laughing about nothing and everything with friends, but when it all died down -in lingers that feeling.

Sure I can keep on going and not do anything about it. But nothing would make me satisfied, no youtuber would be as entertaining and no book could inject me with happiness to last beyond that last word. 

I guess, when we’re in the world and we’re all serious and saying ‘this is my work.’, we get carried away. I know the temporary boost from a good movie is nothing like true happiness and satisfaction from deep within.

That’s why, turning this off in abit, I’m going to sit on my bed and start talking out loud -maybe not loud, loud- to a listening warmth I do not see, but feel in the depths of my spirit, that is making me lighter. No its not weird neither is it scary, cause God never made me feel scared or freaked out. 

Maybe you’ll get it, and maybe you won’t.

 

lei

For You

I remember someone said, when God does something wonderful don’t let yourself forget it.

God has done many really special things in my life, and as I was in Cambodia on a recent trip, looking at the archaic Angkor Wat and smiling faces of Bayon carved on the tops of corn-like looking towers; I was especially impressed at the man made moat surrounding the whole thing. It was huge, it was beautiful and just gawking to know that small human hands with limited strength took into stride each day to create it; so they could protect their place of worship.

Did their God ever do anything for them?

I mean my God, the God, created heaven and earth, parted a sea, kept 3 men walking in fire unhurt, won battles for His people, brought men back to life, sent His only son to earth and to die, for us? The same God who showed me I was worth the love He had for me and even  acknowledged this little blog I  have through a pastor I didn’t know! God who stayed with me when I got my heart broken and gave me back the last piece of it healed on New Year’s.

So, looking at all of it, in my own way I guess I want to dig a moat or help build a Great Wall or paint a Mona Lisa. At this point of time, let me be honest as I’ve always here, that I have never had a consistent ambition. Right now, thinking about university? I am beyond ecstatic to begin, but I have yet to be certain of what exactly I’m studying. I have been looking hard and I am inspired by a teacher. A very handsome, dedicated educator with great ethics. Tiny smiles and little girl crush aside, I knew I loved helping and especially when friends asked to explain things in class. But teaching, now that was rolling with the big boys -those having dreams of being docs and law fighters. I don’t want it to be something that passes by, like wanting to be a model or a writer (which I still do) or the funniest yet, a ‘successful business woman’ I used to say to myself. I just really want to influence people like how my teacher did for me, to be able to help at the same time not forgo but building it on principles.

Meeting Emma and Pete, our friends in Cambodia, who as it turned out are both teachers themselves; really gave me a kick. They showed me a real faith, one tangible where you didn’t need to walk exuding aura of God to jump on a plane and start an organisation to help Cambodian kids. I didn’t need to be a pastor or a church worker -that frankly kind of scared me. I want to be out there, and also I mean, get married. Jokes aside. During a ride we took down to the village to give out basic supplies, I sat in Pete’s little-car-big-attitude of a kancil. We had a good talk, that made one memory of Cambo I will never want to forget. I told him that I wanted to influence those in the age 18,19,20; because that’s when I was by my teacher. Old enough to comprehend but immature about the next most important steps and unwise. He said for him it was the 16,17,18 year old’s because in UK those were the last few years of school. I met, one person that I could relate about this and made my aspiration and vindication not sounding just like a child’s rambling.

To be continued..

Lei