My testimony

I told myself I wanted to tweak the testimony I had already submitted, to the church, in which I am going to be baptized in this coming Sunday. But truthfully, how do I tweak and make something my own with a word limit of 100 words?  ‘or less’ I was told. So, I thought since I just recently became 2 decades old  I might as well put it out in black and white here; before a silent, non-staring crowd and before it gets foggier.

I don’t remember much, but there were pictures of myself as a baby being held by a pastor. Standing with him were my parents, in front of all the church members.  I was born into a Christian family. We occasionally had awkward bible study/ devotion in the living room. We would reluctantly gather, then squish in the seats together and dreaded  to be picked to pray for anything at all. Listening to my parents speak in tongues and sing was embarrassing and funny at the same time. It still is funny to me now, thinking why we were so uncomfortable doing what we’re so comfortable doing now.

Well we went to church, forced actually, on certain occasions and all I knew was to sing, listen to the pastor and remember memory verses (verses picked out of the Bible) so we could get points and exchange them for gifts like bouncy rubber balls, cute erasers and  toys. There wasn’t one occasion specifically I remember accepting Christ, but it was probably one of those Sundays.

I went for camps and I grew a little bit, got to know what was the Holy Spirit. Learnt to pray for my friend I’d become close to in camp and had fun jumping during praise songs. But as a teenager still, I was the naughty one in the family and I’d get into really bad shouting matches. I was caned, alot. And chased around while hot in pursuit of being caned. That’s why I’d throw the cane behind the fridge.

Then at the age of about 14, skinny stick-like me was said hi to by someone. At the time I didn’t get me why but she wanted to take me out for my birthday with my sister and a few people I didn’t really know well.  And still after that, she continued to invite me to church and lunch and whenever she spoke to me she was excited and caring. I, was like a snail being bait out of my shell. It was a long weird process but she rubbed off me, and slowly I changed. We became good friends, she’d made me think about things the way I normally wouldn’t and encouraged me. I saw her life and it changed how I saw mine.

Many good years went and with it brought up and downs, but I was on my own journey with God. My sister was a big role too, we’d always talk before sleep and she was my go-to person when my other friend was busy, which was often. There was once a time when things at home was so hard to be around, and I felt we should pray so we did. Until now I still believe things got better because we did. I started a Christian Fellowship in my school, it was good, difficult but fulfilling. Even though it felt like a bittersweet ending, still we had so much fun throughout it all and I couldn’t have gained such good friends, especially my cousin, without it. I still hope to hear those CF members, my friends, one day telling me they’re attending a church.

God is always good, I couldn’t really say that until I faced all three of my major exams. First time I experienced it was PMR. I think I heard my mum said that her friend’s daughter would spend 2 hours a day talking/praying to God and eventho she was busy, she got amazing results. So, kiasu me, I couldn’t do 2 hours but I’d pray almost everyday just whenever I got worried and put it into God’s hands. 7 A’s. Tried it again for both SPM and STPM. SPM: 6A’s 3B’s 1C. STPM, now this, I cried because it was hard pushing myself to study dictionary sized books. I prayed and prayed. 3.0 or 3.2 would be God-sent. I got a grade point average of 3.5. And I was qualified for an interview to study Law in UM. They were like gifts to me, doors opened to me that I never dare dream of.

In my family, I noticed more things. I progressively saw the way we showed affection is different individually and especially since we’re one of those typical Chinese families, it was essential I learn that them not being so affectionate didn’t mean they didn’t love me or each other. So I made my own changes, and showed my feelings. Purposely opened up to my mum and my brother and I’ve seen changes in them towards me too. Sometimes, you can be family but behave like strangers, and all you have to do is open yourself up to them. Just like making a friend.

Relationships, well. I always told God about it. Cried when it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, smiled when there seemed like there was possibilities  and put it all in His hands when I just didn’t know better. From the beginning to the end, I committed it to God. And while it can get frustrating, not already finding the one and comparing myself to my peers, well, everything happens is good timing. I know I said no and was said no to because it wasn’t right. And in this course of time, I’ve learned some and know myself better than to get caught up in the moment. And someday, God willing before this world ends!, it will be easy enough for us to know when it comes along.

This has become my life story instead of my testimony.

Well, my life is my testimony. All fairy tales aside, I still am a work in progress. I have learnt to love beyond my own capability and know the importance of accepting others, because I made my mistakes. I pushed someone away and I still have a bad temper, it’s hard and it makes it harder to say I’ve changed. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I didn’t want to get baptized. Because I still feel so much of me isn’t good yet and I’m still bad. What if my parents thought I was a hypocrite. What if others who knew me better did?

It’s not that I don’t still worry about that, all I know better from then to now, is that yes God loves me. But I love God more, than the time before and I still want to change. God is so gracious. And it’s time, I want people and God to see that I’m in this too. Baptism doesn’t confirm what I already feel, but its like a marriage in a sense. You already love each other, you’re just making it public; official and celebrating it with others.

I’m not a nun, I don’t kneel by my bedside every night, I do what I can. I was touched by someone who showed me love and that love I know cannot come from just a person,was that same love I feel when I reach for God.

This is my testimony so far, it is really private but I want to share it.

Lei