Letters

God, with you its not Give and take. It’s take, then give. Then give and give some more.

I completely don’t understand why but I’ve never felt so close to your heart, until I came here. Even if I am still only trying, you just surprise me by how much you’re using me here. I am so blessed, and for the first time in a long time, fulfilled.

Whether it is by my writing, emceeing, singing or just being a companion -I am being offered wonderful opportunities to serve. I came here with a focus to serve you, and God, you heard me loud and clear. And you are opening doors for me. It’s amazing, thank you.

Thank you for allowing me to be a comfort to my friend. For prompting me to talk to her, and giving us the right time for her to share her heart. For bringing us both here, and even before that when you saved her and her family. Thank you for allowing me to have been loved that now, I can pay it forward and love her too. For the good people who will support me to bring her closer to you.

Thank you for leading me here, after what you’ve thought me at home -it feels like divine appointment.

For taking away my comforts; my home, family, friends far from me so I have no where else but you to run to. For keeping me in your mind and loving me even though I don’t deserve it.

It has not been easy learning to be on my own, and its only the second month. But I know I have to go through this -I want to.

And later, when the time comes, I will be glad to say my husband does not complete me or does he determine my happiness. That I learned to love a man by loving first the Father.

In any case, I’m sure you’ll make everything beautiful in its time. (please do)

lei

Heart matters

Sometimes its only human to grip tightly onto things we so hope for.

Until you reach a point when you know it’ll do you more harm holding on than it will letting go.

Let go of the ideal and expectation. And if you have to hold on, cling onto God’s promises and if you should expect, expect that his goodness will come in due time.

I’d like to be very careful of the things I say, especially typed and published (online) in black and white. I would like to preserve the way things are and let God and time slowly work its way. Yet, at the same time, I know that hoping on something that isn’t for certain has and will progressively take it’s toll.

I’d like to have it all figure out, and to be able to read minds. I mean, wouldn’t it make everything much more simpler?

But you know better, and you know that you should just trust Him.

Everything worthwhile doesn’t come easy anyway.

 

Trust

Its been exactly 35 days since.

I’d like to confess, and only now, that when I received my offer letter from usm I was pretty shattered. I’d hoped to get um and even more so after I got the interview there. I felt that it was finally the right time, that I was finally needed, I was able to be of service to my home church. Ask me why I didn’t commit earlier on, and honestly, I wish I knew. Somehow it’d be my parents, my studies or just lack of focus to choose the things necessary. So this time I was ready and it felt like a good time to be around.

I was pretty heartbroken to be taken away. Yes, eventho only to Penang.

But, 9 months prior, I submitted two university application forms; one to USM and another to all the other local universities, praying that God would be the one to determine what was best for me.

Over a month has passed by since entering, and the feeling of missing some has largely dissipated; likely to be swept under assignments and a hustling mind, occupied by what routes/bus to take while concentrating on not tripping up my own limbs along the way. Classes and new friends have quickly shuffled themselves into my quickly turning hectic schedule.

Having my sister here has brought great comfort and I feel really lucky to have a little bit of home here. Altho, contacting each other long distance for a long time has gotten us in need of readjusting ourselves to being there for each other even when it isn’t the best times. The arguments and unnecessary comments will come and go, still I’m starting to believe that maybe it was timely that God brought me here. We need each other; I feel the need now to physically be here and support her.

The new friends, from the Christian society I’ve joined, I use to substitute my lack of family. English -Fluent English speakers are so rare. It also helps that they’re really wonderful people. I literally run to the activities because it takes me away from the fact that I’m miles away from home and friends. More importantly, I’ve decided to be focused and to finally serve God here on campus. I just signed up in a ministry (or sub-comm) today and it’s something I didn’t exactly get to do back home. I’m excited, and this time I won’t try doing everything. I’m not trying out every club, I want to do one thing I’ve been meaning to do for so long and do it well.

To certain friends that have been special blessings, I am just out of words. It is probably God’s divine plan that one of my form six classmate came over to usm. We grew closer only after school ended, shortly after, she accepted Christ and really, I am so happy that God has put us here together. We are definitely walking together on this journey with God.
Another special person is speedily becoming a soul sister. Straight off the top of my mind I knew she reminded me of a dear old mentor and friend. She is an amazingly real person, and man, its so refreshing. Plus, also a city girl. The first night I got to know her, immediately she woke up the sleeping Christian inside of me. We talked about the best friends we longed to see knowing God’s love, modern day churches and the lack of real tangible love in Christians today. That part of me that fell asleep when I shut down my high school CF, woke up. There I saw a new comrade.

This month has gone by fast, but also slow, in a way? It feels like alot has happened within this short time frame. There’s only one thing not so fantastic about living here, which is living here with a certain room mate. Altho, at the back of my mind I feel it being God’s test and I need to learn how to be more patient. It’s no joke. Altho, on a serious note, it really feels like everything is a test of patience. Ofcourse I still do think of the people back home, sometimes I try not to because its not easy living without them.

All in all, I know there is nothing for me but to trust in Him. What I didn’t see myself going through, I am learning to go through. I want to be independent by being dependent on God, and to just grow up. Its scary how long 4 years can be and what it can do. But my guide is to say yes to every good thing (or as God puts infront of me) and walk through doors opened, to completely allow myself to absorb new knowledge, to try new things while still holding onto my principles.

I might not have been convinced of this a month ago, but God really has put me here for a reason.

Because when I was really discouraged, I kept seeing this,

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

And I remember this being said,

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

I wouldn’t have seen it a month ago, but God is slowly convincing me of this far greater purpose he has for me here.
It’s very vague, but there’s a growing feeling I have of good things to come.

We’ll see won’t we?
Meet you in 4 years time.

lei