Someday we’ll know

I have been avoiding this subject for awhile now, not knowing how/what to say and wanting to avoid the embarrassment of being too honest.

But honesty is who I am.

I get that feeling, when it happens too many times, being asked if I have a boyfriend. Because sure I do. Why ever not?
Or when a dear friend opens up to me about this new guy/long time friend who has become special. Or some random person I used to know comes up in a topic, and she’s suddenly attached. Don’t get me wrong, I am so so happy for them really I am -its just the feedback I get from my own heart that echoes yay..one more taken, you’re still standing.

Gosh this is embarrassing.

But I could look at it how everyone else would, time to be a little more pretty,  talk a bit louder or put myself out there more often.

Instead, all I really want to do is retreat.

With every guy I’ve liked, I’ve learnt more about what I want in a true companion. And it has changed so dramatically, that I realize I needed to make those turns to find myself on the road I’m in now.
Inevitably tho, those extra miles have cost me my vigor. I’m a little wiser, but I’m tired. And frankly, scared. I couldn’t bear being let down again or trusting/hoping the best in someone to only be disappointed that I did so in the first place. In the end, I can’t shake the fact that I made myself so vulnerable to it. Silly girl, should’ve seen it coming.

All I want to do now is just be quiet.

I just don’t want to think about it, or talk about it, I just can’t. I’m a little wounded because I bared my heart a little too much before.

Still, I’m not about to slit my wrists or buy some slutty dress (and actually wear it out) because God has changed the way I see things.

And while I usually have a positive turn on this whole relationship thing, I don’t have one actually. I have no idea.

I trust God and am thinking about how someone referred to this

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

“So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:25-34)

God has his ways of teaching you something, you know? You just have to let him. While you let go.
Everyday we make choices to either choose him or choose ourselves.

don’t have some nice line to end with.

Lei.

p/s: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/what-women-want-godly-man
       http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/what-men-want-godly-woman