Love’s rat race

After many walks and showers alone to my thoughts, I felt that I need to say I really detest that I’ve come to think of love as a rat race.

Of all ideals or notions, it has come to this.

I like things slow, I am not a slow person-but I just hate rushing. And this is exactly what it is, I feel like I have to rush, to eye up, target straight and cash in on that one good guy who hasn’t been noticed.

Truth is, when I’m not almost always too late -I’m cripplingly disappointed.

Even now, being in a new environment it’s starting all over again. Its sounds like I’m objectifying men, or turning it into a scenario where dozens of women enter into a shopping mall are strolling past men. Each one of his own, constantly changing -growing better or worse. All with potential, characteristics, ingredients made out of listed in the back. Some more expensive than others, some scuffed up from rough handling. I know how it sounds, but sometimes it really feels like this.

When they’re interested, it’s not reciprocated and they move on. I don’t know you all that well, how can it be wrong not to get all exclusive all of a sudden. Yet when there is enough time and I realise for all the right reasons why I’m fond of our friendship, it’s already too late.

That or the feeling of being inappropriate. For caring so much for a person who views you only as a friend. How could I have known.

All in all, its been tiring. The moment I love myself and where I am, its usually me and my girls not caring about any future prospects. I’m almost at a standstill at this point, and its only until a status or photo on Facebook that.. Oh.

Not ironically, I love walks. Physically my low or lack of stamina allows me to be guilt free about not running. Walking is also one of the ways I get to know people better. No pressure of making eye-contact, awkward pauses are less awkward with the intercepting of leaves crunching, wind blowing and people walking by.

I’ll take my time, and walk my walk. And I guess it’ll have to wait and see if I ever match someone else’ pace.

lei

Sing me to sleep

Do you have one of those moments?

Feeling like God is calling you to him.

Just lying on the bed tired from packing my things, closing my eyes telling myself to shut off the thoughts and sleep. And like many times before, a tune or lyric sings into my mind.

I adore you,
And theres none that compares

Before I even put on the song, I naturally want to sing to the beautiful words. The song brings his presence and I don’t know if its the hormones, but I’m in it. And the emotions are welling up.

I’m kicking myself for not asking for a guitar instead for my recent birthday. Dummy. I’ve had the thought of having one here, since getting these tendencies to break out in song.

Speaking of which.

Goodnight.

5 sleeps to home

Motions

Remember how I was saying Ive been looking forward to coming home?

My arms are better now, my toe wrapped up in its bandaged and my itchy feet settled in a thin wall of moisturiser enclosed in socks.. I wonder tho,if my parents are more worried about me being home than in Penang.

All of these seem to happen at ungodly times, because like now, 2.44am in the morning, Im wide awake. Penang is a part of Malaysia not halfway across the world. Duh. So my body clock mustve swapped over when i didnt sleep the night and morning before I left campus.

The following night after I got home, I didnt sleep, stayed up holding my phone wasting time online (because i couldnt sleep!). Which then resulted in staying up even longer nursing two severely aching forearms. Later on in the morning,my mum knowing the pain tells me shes had diabetes for awhile. Putting one next to the other, I got scared for my nerves. For my nerves, yes because the cramps occur due to nerves related dysfunction. Hours of writhing later and 2 children’s panadol, 1 vitamin B complex tablet, 2 blood cleansing capsules, a hand massage and some Yoko-yoko -it went away. Just in time to get ready for church. Hallelujah.

Whereas, my skin condition is an issue that has been prevailing throughout my 21 years of life. And it pops up as a topic whenever it flares up. Flare, as in becomes really bad all of a sudden. It usually happens when my lifestyle/environment is hitting hard on my immune system whether in forms of allergy or stress. Or whenever I try to get well without the help of steroids in my blood stream. Its a story for another day, but lately the latter is causing much itchy calamity to the skin of my feet.
My toe, just got cut from a mug that fell on it.

Another thing about coming back is following up on the relationships you put on continue from when you left.

No, I just cant quite talk about it.
Ive been telling myself I shouldnt at all, and Ive been fine.