If you know what’s good

There are many times where I wonder with my blog being partially cryptic, partially bluntly honest and so overly hidden -does it have any opportunity to achieve any effect or purpose?

Because sometimes I have words to say such as these.

As a younger self, just like any other I have battled with cripplingly low self confidence. Crippling my social interactions, my personal view of self and the future that beholds. I used to be so attached to my shell, telling myself well I’m standing here -the least I can do, but no one’s talking to me. I pop my head out and wonder why no one notices. Self pity, awkwardness, the feeling of big ol’ me standing in wide open space with everyone else talking to one another. I wish I could disappear, if I look down low enough maybe they won’t see me. Negativity shrouded my view of others towards me. The silence that was literally deafening.

It took a person to pull me out of it, a friend who gave me boosts of confidence; became a place to rely on; at times reprimanding me for my passive behaviour.
The combination of her efforts, God’s love that was channeled through her and my own decisions set course for the exodus out of my shell.

What I’m getting to is that, you get over it. Through the years and the bull you go through -you earn your confidence. But stop acting as though other’s are to serve you, because one of life’s greatest lesson is You choose your destiny. Anything humanly possible can be achieved when you start making efforts towards it. Start smiling and talking to others -they will too, and they will notice you for that. I got tired of being so passive and side-lined, so I made my own efforts. While you I do get pushed down or feel awkwards at times, who doesn’t? Between caring too much or too little, the balance is achieved over time.

Confidence is something so beautiful. It makes you love who you are, appreciate people around you for the way they are and allows you the ability to see past the unfair world. God created us the way he wanted, unique in our ways -everything teaching us something. His love abounds in us (if you tap into it) and grants us grace in our lives.
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get into two arguments with my parents just today, but I get to let it go and understand their situations. I get to smile and laugh later on knowing its not the most important thing. I can go on, I can still love and forgive people I’ve wronged or people who’ve wronged me. My confidence rests on the fact that I know I am loved. I am loved by someone who did something unasked/unknown to me, for me.
It’s growing up, yes, and growing up with God.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

If it makes sense,

Lei

Rain in her heart

Just got back from CPR or Committee Planning Retreat, relieved its over. I didn’t think sitting for hours on end deciding on things could be so tiring. Although, the church we stayed at prepared and welcomed us very warmly. The way I wish my own church would, with after church lunches and uncles who cared as if bonded by familial ties. I love my church, and I would love to see it be reminded of the important things.

Refocusing to PKA, (the Christian fellowship im serving in) we’ve got plans for the coming semester and while we’re all “excited” for it, I am a ball of nerves. I am trying to cool it since I have some time, but I’m just hoping my calm and brisk presentation will obediently present itself in time as guaranteed.

Being in charge of the Edu dept., I steer the direction of our weekly topical meetings. The whole dating issue is one I brought up. Often times parents, elders, pastors or forms of guardians’ desire to shelter the herd can sometimes hurt them instead. We’re frightened into not to get into relationships, without proper guidance. Not the Sex Talk please, rather the Do I/Don’t I date talk or something along the lines.

In my own pursuit to find answers, I’ve allowed myself to shamelessly take baits of eye catching dating-related, mostly Christian affiliated online articles and picking up infamous books. Having digested most of it along with whatever bits of dating experience I’ve had, I am slowly formulating my personal take on it.
I’m glad to say, that the cat has caught her own tongue. Glad because I can in newly learned frame of mind acknowledge that my prior reserved stance on dating was the right one. I can’t say others will feel the same but personally, questioning it and allowing myself to learn from the other side gave me insight. I am ofcourse in every way still intact. Albeit still in a rut of compressed emotions, atleast I’ve learnt..

The reluctance of getting to know people I’ve established no attraction with, is very valid.
I am a person who already knows what I want, I’m not scouring rather waiting.
And knowing I want this certain person means knowing/dating below that is futile.
I know the way I would love; wholly, loyally -too well in fact to know it isn’t shallow criterias that make someone below par. It’s the way he thinks, his priorities, principles and not to be lightly taken -his sense of humour.
I always come back to the one person I care most about, and maybe I’ve known I can’t settle for any less. (I could be wrong about him)
But pieces of myself fall off so easily as it is.

So although it’s only one week’s meeting, I hope it kicks off a search for atleast one member’s own search for truth. I hope young Christians will be inquisitive of what they’re getting themselves into, because all too often “many men and women are in relationships with people who aren’t fully committed, but continue to keep the relationship for no reason.”
(Source: http://jarridwilson.com/why-you-should-stop-dating/ )
I’ve had a far too close approach to know it true.

It takes one good heart to stir up another
It takes honest conversations to feed the soul

And to miss them is a tragedy, and rightly I feel so.

Lei