In my place

Dear Sir/Madam,

I hope this finds you well. As you may have already deciphered from my application form, I will be soon embarking on the second year of studies in USM. I do not believe in taking from those more needy than I am, this including financial aids or benefits. However, since the beginning of this year when my father retired at the age of 56 years old I have soon come to terms within this seven months with the reality of our financial situation. Just as it is futile to toss a lifebuoy to a person who is already underwater, I realize I should ask for help to ensure the stability of my parents’ financial future as well as my teenage sister before I no longer have the chance.

Tan Sri Lee Loy Seng Foundation is providing a chance for many deserving students to pursue an education regardless of skin colour. I can only hope I can be one of those prestigious few whom are deemed deserving of this support. For many years as a teenager I did not believe that I could do much or amount to anything great. I kept my head down, did my work and tried my best to achieve good grades. Being in university in itself has been a dream come true, the excitement to learn and broaden my horizons has brought me through my first year with great speed.

Having been exposed to books from a young age, I developed a love for the intricacies of written word. How the arrangement and specific jargons are used to develop storylines that ever so gently pull at the heart strings or used to reiterate a point so sharp it awakes the reader. Majoring in Sociology and Anthropology allows me to study and fully immerse myself in the study of mankind, allowing me to better illustrate my thoughts of this vast picture that is society into words. I have a very observant eye and a wondering mind about life, and so far into my studies of gender, politics, power and solidarity between men; it has been eye-opening. Not only am I developing a better comprehension, I am also asking questions on my quest to know more about the moderation so needed in our country.

What I have learnt from the steely strength of my father and mother advising me not to take up exorbitant loans or financial aids that come with hefty strings attached, is that their hopes is that I will not be bogged down by its demands in the future and most of all, that the hardship will build in me humility and strength to persevere in reaching success.

All I want to do is to absorb the knowledge so available here in University and hopefully allow it to richly permeate articles and musings, one day turning it into books. I can only ask that you will notice a student ready to learn and be moulded by study, changed by this experience to be an adult outside the confines of home –and allow her to continue to do so.

Thank you for your time and the opportunities you’re giving to my peers.

My sleeping heart

Tired, I go to sleep and I lay awake with thoughts barraging through my mind.
I try to talk to God, and wonder what he would say to me.

What are you trying to tell me? I click on the passage but instead this appears..

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?

God, we need more time just you and me.

Goodnight.

Late night thoughts

In the quietest parts of the night my mind wakes up to its worries. When the lights dim down and there is no more chatter or distractions, I close my eyes to an awaken consciousness. Reminding me of the thought of leaving home, the work undone, lists to make and reminders to make. Not the least floods in melancholy and worries of tomorrow asking questions I don’t have answers to.
I try to talk it out with God distracted with these. I compare myself to other more active believers and wonder if God looks upon me with lack-lustre in his eyes.

Trusting you is not easy, sometimes I am weaker than I realize. But in my weakness your strength is made perfect.

 

Let this not just be merely words.

Lei

And no one else

One of my favourite past times this holiday has been catching up on some good, solid time with a book while wasting the day away. This ofcourse besides indulging myself in hours of mindless television watching. The things I love about reading simply begins with the fact that depending on the author’s eloquence in painting landscapes, faces and emotions; there is no other way you can experience living a life as another person the way a book allows you to. Books also have this ability to reveal things to you.

One particular book I’m reading as sort of research is by the infamous Joshua Harris. Everytime I get through to another section it reveals something new to me.

While I don’t agree in everything he suggests, there have been many great nuggets of wisdom nestled in his writings. Three quarter’s way into the book, its confirmed to me -and i’m saying this cautiously- that I feel unready to be in a relationship.

Intimacy is the reward of commitment, and I do feel that should be the right way.

Josh shares what a person not ready for commitment does, goes through the attraction, getting-to-know phase, time of pondering and pulls out right before anything serious happens. Although I do have to say that in my case, I always somehow am made realized that the particular dude I’m considering really isn’t the one. Its been too true, to say the least. Noting that I said ‘made realized’, it’s either been the noticeable difference in how much better my platonic friendship with my guy friend is or just how willing I am to let the guy go with the girl who’s been chasing him for years. I just, it just doesn’t. Is it wrong that it makes me glad?

Is it just a coincidence the one or two guys that I actually liked, didn’t like me back? I took time to let my thoughts marinate.

But doing so was exhausting. Is it all its about, getting into a relationship and finding the right partner in life? If not, then why do we moan over our non-existent love lives. Whether I’m in a relationship becomes a merit, beside what and where I’m studying, my physical appearance and any other social stance I’m related to.

I don’t know for sure how and when it comes, but I do know I want to be with someone. For now growing in stable friendships and working together is something I’m really enjoying.

Just as it is written in the book, i too believe that God destines us for every season in our life to be significant. Even the time of singleness. For not only to be used in God’s work but to be groomed to be a better woman by Him. But fear stands in the way. Fear that even Josh also shares -what if God intends me to be one my own for my life? Or if there really is no one for me, however long I wait.

True love has no fear. And God is love, he first showed us love before we even knew him. That is real love.
Our standards for love falls short of anything considered real and true as His.

At the end of the day, however much calculating will only come to summing up that we need to trust God.