Where the heart lies

In my hostel room, lying on my bed before sleep I have conversations with God. On these nights, the talks or rather, talk tend to reveal things to me.

Since I’ve started committing heavily in the Christian fellowship here, its been quite a new journey. I’ve never had so many more times I’ve second-guessed myself, double-checked my intentions and actions -standing in my tracks as I did so. Many more times I’ve over analysed because I felt I wasn’t living up to expectations (whether mine or presumptions of others of me). Basically, it has been a new challenge to me.

It feels like going through a little bit of puberty again, granted I still think puberty didn’t really finish properly for me. On the real physical of it, my self and whatever talent being used is put out there. Up for offer, up for scrutiny and ofcourse, critique. Wow, yes I still have self-image issues but not so apparent as after I am onstage singing in front of a crowd and suddenly someone has a private opinion of me that they may or may not share publicly at their discretion. Psychologically, logically it takes more brain-power and time to think like a leader (for the good of others) and be sure to be led by the Spirit. To make wise decisions and come up with smart ideas. Alongside this then is where the Spiritual element comes in, how God uses us and speaks to us in the roles we play. Walking closely with Him so we don’t just do the work for the sake of it or for the wrong reasons. While with giving out in what I do, I come back to fulfilling my own basic needs ( spending time with loved ones, having personal time, entertainment and such).

Thing is, I have a feeling the longer I serve, the more I am compelled to tell myself ‘okay, since I’ve already spent this amount of time on this project and so-so.. I can take off/cut off for this period of time’. Like it is an entitlement.
Its like the more I spend time on others, the more urgency I put in my personal time.

And that’s natural.

However, and this wouldn’t be my blog if I left it at that, this is exactly where I know my life as a Christian is in direct opposition with. Why loving others and doing things for others is so exhausting and we complain about it, is because its so unnatural to us. I would definitely choose not pack my schedule with anything and use my time for things as my heart desires. But, I’ve grown up learning God and I’ve come to know God, He loves me; this has made me full enough to pour out to others. This is why I serve God; because when I didn’t think I lacked love He showed me real love, he brought me friends who had something different in them and exposed me life unlimited by the walls men built or towers men drew up.

And if serving God with what He has birth me with in the freedom that He has paid for me -leaves me vulnerable and sometimes worse for wear, then that is what I can give to honour Him for what He has honoured me with.

 

To think that I turned on my pc just to say I’ve come to learn something from serving.
That is, I want to live less for myself and deal with my self-centredness.

 

Anyhow,
Goodnight.