Idéal

I don’t have an Ideal type, some things I like but usually that’s just it.
Must be the seasons, rather the season that has past; Christmas and New Year’s that I find so romantic that are probably still lingering. I have my first finals paper in less than 9 hours from now, and here I am letting my romantique side sway my fingers into step onto the keypad like imaginary feet on the dance floor. See what I mean, Im being ridiculous.

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I may be wrong. But the more I try to detach myself, the harder I fall back. I’m not trying to be cliche. I’m a serious (well, most of the time), now 22 year old young female university student studying away from home and I cannot justify the idea of not liking you. Maybe I will be embarassed by this looking back if I’ve ended up with someone else, but..

You make me laugh so much. Even somehow when tiny snippets of the memory flashes in my mind.
All the time.

You’re so talented. And you’re not grudgingly serving, eventhough you’re always and have been always serving.
Commitments for such a time and still going strong, I admire that and I know how tough it is even though I’ve only just started.

You listen. You’re always listening, as I’ve observed. And you remember minuit details. Because I remember that you remember. Its this darn thing that makes it so hard for me to not think twice.

And changing. I see it.
I grew to like you from getting to know you. Attempting to let it go hasn’t panned out because you’ve kept steadily molding into this person I can’t lose.
I’m sane, (regardless of what you said). I’m not infatuated. I’m not obsessed or delusional. I know, -no. I don’t at all know your side of the story.

I don’t want to need you in my life, it’s easier -I don’t have to continually pull myself back,
but I do however, want you to stay present in my life.

I trust you. Maybe its part and parcel of your character, or the fact that we’ve been in each other’s lives since childhood. Its definitely both for me. You are different. Occasionally a little flirty, but for the most part reserved -which is the part I like the most. An encourager.

And I don’t even know how to explain it but, you feel like home.

I couldn’t have anticipated
without me knowing you have grown to become my ideal.
Or maybe there is no ideal, its just you.

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Questions

My mother has odd timing when asking me life’s hardest questions. Namely one, ‘When you come out of Uni what can you work as ah?’

Apparently work is hard to come by lately, it has always been has it? However its coming closer to home as my cousin who has a Master’s in Social Sciences (what I’m doing) has been having difficulties finding a job for quite awhile now.

I am at my last leg of exams, tomorrow is one of my most important paper’s and here at the brink of losing all motivation to study -my mother calls and lays this big one on me.

I have been staring blankly ever since. The words of my reference books having the attachment of pingpong balls that come in contact to any hard surface; completely deflective.

My ingenious plan was to enrich myself in the study of social sciences, so I could be a writer worthy of having my own content to create instead of writing off the daily occurrences. I would have wanted to become a known writer earning myself quite enough to live a slightly above average life as a mother and wife, maybe occasionally teaching in the local school. The most I could dream of is just living in a simple white beach house along the seaside, all three of us picturesque in matching linen clothes.. Oh but my picture is us as matsallehs. Anywho.

I’ve come to realize my writings that have been my secret joy, might not be so popular and relatable after all. They are made to be cryptic and very personal incase anything private were to escape. Unfortunately sometimes I read back and wonder who was I referring to anyway (?)

Youtube seems to be booming at an accelerated rate, maybe I could be a youtuber; let myself be vulnerable to virtually an unlimited audience, share my life with them, create interesting content. Be the first Malaysian youtube reality personality. Making a video sounds alright, but who would want to watch a life of a young university student going through mundane life (and in this humidity)? I’ve found through analysing these personalities that they usually have an interesting selling point -their adorable relationship, amazing make up abilities, living life in posh London or crazily crude but funny Swedish personality with amazing gaming abilities.

I could teach, I guess. Except I’ve tried and even toddlers tell me I’m too soft.
Well, as a child I wanted to be a model. Except I have a skin condition that doesn’t appear on my face but is quite apparent throughout parts of my body. Plus, I wouldn’t say I’m especially photogenic. Couldn’t stand myself if I ever became so narcissistic to stare at myself and wonder which pose looks better.
Designer? Should have enrolled in fashion designing then.
Fashion blogger? I mean, I think I’m decent in styling and make up.. Its not something uncommon either. Maybe I could try, oh we’ll see.

I find myself perplexed at God’s call for my life. Sometimes its so obvious, when I’m looking right at Him I just make my way bit by bit and it seems all right. But when I readjust to my surroundings and the background isn’t blur anymore, I seem to be far behind everyone else. Reality prompts me bluntly that I’ll fail in life.
So I question, what could living in this world and still loving and serving God possibly lead me too? Is there a middle ground? Sure doesn’t seem like there is from where I stand.
Or am I just one of those that has chosen poorly and it’s all my own fault?

At times like these, I look up to the dark night sky and see stars twinkling so surely right above me
and I wonder:

Is there any place for me in this world?

Lei