Foolishness

Sober series part 2.

Foolishness: Vapid, vacant, senseless. Implies lack of good judgement, weakness of mind. Silliness, ill-considered.

The day before was possibly my worst night of sleep deprivation, going to bed exhausted at 930pm, being fully awake at 1145pm and finally falling asleep at 930am -it was not very fun. Browsing through news sites, a long conversation and two movies later I went to bed.

One of the news I read was of the extreme stage of global warming we’re at. Among one of the biggest step to be taken is that by 2050 the world must be able to reach a stage of zero carbon emissions -something ofcourse is highly unlikely to happen. Scientists warn that we could just barely make it into the window of opportunity to save ourselves from much greater danger. However, 35 years from now would humans be any less greedy than they are today?
Why is it that we ever take heed before its too late.

Foolishness – the lack of forethought.

At the beginning of this semester I told myself I would no longer turn back, knowing my hand was in the plow and serving God’s Kingdom here. I decided that I was no longer going to let myself be distracted. If I love God and I want to do more where He has put me, its time to stop allowing my attention to be divided.

Hence, before I left for here, I took a step to let go of the hopes I had towards someone back home. We are still friends but atleast I know where we’re at right now.

And just prior to present time, the last straw settled on the camel’s back and I finally realize I need to take my stand on another distraction. I’ve allowed myself to sway back and forth in my indecisiveness. I’ve welcomed the idea of someone paying attention to me, hoping that it would be more than what it seems; even though in my objective mind I know it couldn’t be him. I did not pursue it, however, I did allow it.

“When the Lord calls us to follow Him, He gives us the grace to put aside everything that might keep us from doing His will.”

So maybe my nights of sobriety were literal calls for me to wake up from the mistakes I’m on the verge of making. The mistakes that will cost me to divert from the path that I have willingly chosen to walk.

To walk the narrow path is not only to decide to follow Jesus once, but to do so in every which way. Deliberately.

⁶² But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62 

⁸ Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Lei

Thought process

Maybe I should wake up abruptly at 3am every now and then from now onwards.

It is currently 5.09am here, in the second semester that usually is starkly hot in comparison to the first academic semester in Penang -yet its raining outside. And tomorrow again it will be burning, then bursting with shower and lightning some time after.

In the cool quietness of tonight, my mind is at its productive peak. The hamsters running the wheels of my brain as the lights dim in and out. I am awake, sober. Melancholy is carrying the thoughts drifting in my mind. So many things are happening, so many wonderful and good things.
Just last night I cried myself to sleep, overwhelmed with emotion. It was not much, just words. Nomination forms had come back for the voting of our CF’s next batch of leaders. Those words meant alot to me, because truly my heart is in it. I feel truly honoured.

Albeit however much gratifying, my joy is losing meaning without the presence of those I love the most.

It is usually around this time that we take a break for a week. Even my body seeks to find a place of oblivion far from any form of work or responsibility. Just for one week, I’d like to live in my slightly larger than a four by four bedroom where I eat, sleep, and study in. I am losing traction on my hike up my work pile.

I am starting to wonder how you are doing.

The funny thing about social media is how it makes it so unbelievably easy it is to see into someone elses’ life; be comforted that they’re doing alright, be notified on the activities and observe who they spend their time with. Yet also how it makes it hard to not notice this massive divide between one and another when within our hands lies the opportunity to reconcile, reconnect and talk -but we don’t. And this reality, we deal with.

But the sun still shines and the birds still sing the morning after. Just the same, days pass and we move on.

Changing from John Mayer to something more upbeat

lei

Candid

What an attractive mind.

That’s what I hope to think when I come across a man, passing the friend stage onto a level of higher interest.

(I’m going to stop myself right here, and let my readers know that this privilege I allow you -to read into my thoughts is something very fragile. Sparing you the privacy letter of disclosure, please just read and only that.)

Scrolling past one of those witty, sarcastic sayings on the internet one caught my eye. “I may be be attracted to you, but it doesn’t mean I like you. I’m not attracted to your mind or heart, it’s not that deep.” Look past the exterior of shallowness that it illustrates, and put it into thought -I can relate to it.

To ponder more deeply on the feelings I’ve had recently is to come to a point of realization that in actuality, I’m not that into you. Truthfully, I don’t know you all too well. And for the most part, you have kept the workings of your mind hidden from me.

And to go on this honesty rant, I am glad I don’t like you like I think I do. Its time to work it out that really, it won’t happen -atleast not like this.

There are times where ofcourse I would wonder when my turn comes, however I can happily report that it has lessened over time. To fall in love, or to simply just love a brother or a sister or a friend is easy. But to be able to give and desire a greater commitment than that sort of a relationship, would require me to really really like you.

Finding someone I can adore and know I can constantly be occupied with adoring and picking the brain of..is something I look forward to. But its not something I’m experiencing now. Reaching a point where nothing can get to you, shake your foundation or distract you (rather me) from God’s purposes in life is golden. And that stage where I am is what I’m working to fortify.

This is true, for most of the time that I try to convince myself not to care.

Sometimes the truth is what we know deep down but try not to acknowledge.

Tired and yet

When asked what superpower would I want if I had a choice, indefinitely I would opt for the ability to read people’s thoughts (telepathy) or the ability to move around without people’s knowledge to know what they are doing (invisibility).

Scrap the second one, we have social media already.

It was only the other day that in response to my first choice, my leader said to me “huh. Well, you’d be disappointed.”

Only recently did I finally decided it time to meet up and talk to said leader of mine. After probably over a year of keeping mum and dealing with it on my own and the few I trusted, I risked my credibility as a leader and we spoke about the white elephant openly. Released is what I feel of the subject, although it remains to be seen how things will turn down the road.

Its a fairly long story, which I’ve typed out in detail then erased and then typed out again vaguely and also erased. What will it do for you if I retold the unfortunate tale? Nothing.

Instead, know this: As we ended our talk, my leader said he felt sad I had to go through this even though he was glad I handled the situation on my end well. I told him not to be sad, be happy because for the most part it’s over and the good part is here -what we’ll learn from the lesson. I’m glad I chose to honor God by not drawing too close to a guy who was in a relationship, granted it was very confusing. I’m glad I wanted the best for my sister in Christ, not to see her man been stolen by another sister. As for the both of them, it is their choice to how they make of what they’ve been through.
I’m thankful that this leader of mine handled things in the background and sought to stop the whispering and talking.
Its not to say I am pure and blameless, many times I’ve come before God knowing my wrongs. But I know that choosing to put God first has not let me down.

In many times that I have, the support I get still amazes me. Granted, serving God always pushes me to my limit.. Whenever I’ve experienced needing extra time to spend going through a bible study, speaking to a junior in need, finishing up that assignment and getting to class within the hour -somehow I scrape by perfectly. Not somehow, but by God’s grace.

Its easy to see by my appearance that I am exhausted. My skin is so itchy and red. I need to read another 19 pages of a journal article for tomorrow’s 9am presentation. I can’t tell you still, how blessed I am. Today I had the opportunity to speak to a junior who needed a pair of listening ears. This Thursday night, dinner with someone who’s not made the best decisions in the past. And maybe one of the days this weekend another meal with one more junior who seems burdened by her lack of self-esteem. I spent my weekend hanging out with my bestfriend who I know is struggling with sadness and frustration. I’m not at all glad that my sisters are dealing with these issues, but I am glad that in their time of need I can be there for them.

 

 

I will pull through,

but Jesus be glorified.

 

 

oh my gosh, I’m so tired. Goodnight.

lei