Don’t fall in love just yet.

I never thought any of it would happen. At the time it did. How it did. And who it would be with.

I never expected anyone to enter my life and decide to hold on to me, even still want more of me till now.

I never thought of how afraid I’d be

that I could hurt him, till all of this.

The scene of Julia Roberts running through the grass in her big hair and country boots à la Runaway Bride always seems to pop up in my mind, when I have my cold feet moments. Ofcourse I feel guilty. Ofcourse I’ve felt guilty. At the speed of discovering one another and becoming more significant to another, it has all been very thrilling but at times -worrying.

Yet I know that

For God did not give us a Spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 1 John 4:18

I can’t explain myself properly, in detail. There are times where I feel so completely lucky and blessed -which is most of the time- that I’ve met this person, but like the many times I’ve pulled out before anything serious happens in any other potential relationship, the tendency to over-evaluate and over-analyze keeps me at the brink of the wall. Ready to jump.

Perfect love drives out fear. I am to depend on perfect love, not man’s love. Not a man or any man’s love.

Dear *you, be patient.
I’ve held on to my heart for my whole life. I never thought you’d enter my life just like that. I didn’t expect your coming, nor did I hope for this much. And I can barely think that far, or have I already? I had only thought once before that I could really give it away. But that person chose his place in my life and that’s where he is today -in the old friend seat. You, however, walked in and eyed up the ‘potential person’s’ spot which I can’t say I don’t find unnerving. It’s just how gently you approached it though. How slowly and cautiously, innocently.
I don’t think you expected it either.
To think that I have been working on keeping my heart with God. But I can’t kid anyone, sometimes I do gingerly pull at my heart strings to get it back where I am in control. Yet, only to points when I snub my toe on occasions like these, where I realize I can do it no better. I can’t protect my own heart. So I slowly release my grip and put it back into God’s hands.
You are inching in and I can only question myself so much in the midst of all the gushing and ‘natural’ happiness I feel. I don’t know.
At my worst, I would wonder if there’s some instinct deep down that I’m not listening to that’s telling me you’re actually not it.

The truth I hate to admit is that I am afraid I will make the wrong choices.

Just please don’t let me hurt you.

Even after all the regulations I’ve set, the ones you’ve passed -I am still like this.

Stop thinking too much they said.

lei

Old friend

Its been awhile.

Finally the slow hum of things is returning and I can have moments like these again -to sit in my room alone, with a little spare time and type out one for you.

Life has been crazy, life has been good -Life is good.
From the last parts of my sobriety trip to now, its been a huge gap and I’ve got lots of ground to cover.

I am thankful.
From officially ending my run as Education Subcomm exco, slowly saying goodbye to my seniors, assignment submissions, chance encounters of potentially life-changing proportions, finals and till now..
I am thankful You’re still with me. That Your grace suffices and Your strength sustains me.

I still always need You.

Let’s take a walk, soon.

lei