Radiance

You wouldn’t think that breaking someone’s heart would affect you so deeply until the tears hit the floor and you’re left wondering why.
Why were you only thinking of yourself then?

I’m going through a dramaless season, God-willing and I don’t mean it lightly, I’ve been able to made mends with persons and situations that were less than ideal in the past.

I’m really happy to say that this time round, I’m choosing God all the way. Bringing myself again and again to point of stooping, because I know I’m not any better; not any wiser; not any more mature for God to use me. For God to use me, that he cleans me up so I can be a useful vessel. It’s not very fun but deep down I know God is doing a work in me I don’t want to interrupt.

After avoiding the sharp gaze of someone I used to know during an event last night and further purposefully avoiding the person après event, we eventually maneuvered out way out of the hall. It was pouring rain and I stood holding a bouquet for my friend’s sister while we waited for her to retrieve the car. The raindrops beat down heavily on the roof, flooding the tar roads like the guilt that came over me.

“Hold this for me”, I pulled up my draping skirt and steeled myself to walk back in.

I didn’t smile, I didn’t laugh, I didn’t put on my usual charming self. It was short, prompt and I still wonder if words out of guilt mean any more than just words spewed out out of duty. To me it was, but I don’t think it was to him. Even if I didn’t mean it much, it was the appropriate thing to do. I can’t be so selfish.

It’s a humbling lesson. Surely, I know God has been growing in me a change of perception.

A renewing of the idea of beauty, one that originates from deep in a person and radiates outwardly. I’m talking about spiritual beauty, emanated through grace, kindness, gentleness, patience, understanding and the like. A deep beauty that resounds past exterior aesthetics -what the right genealogy can provide, charm or charisma of a seemingly jubilant façade and mere theatrics to fool any to believe you are something that you’re not. One that is made beautiful through bathing oneself in the Lord’s presence, being dressed in humility, groomed in the knowledge of His ways and bearing the fragrance of grace and love that all who may come in contact will breathe in the incense you put out for the Lord.

There’s been lone times with God, where I wandered in my thoughts and quest for answers. He led me to reflect on his creation and the life he’s given me instead. While the answers don’t return directly, a whole new perspective has been set in place blowing off the need for even those answers or the questions that prompt them themselves.

All we ever chase for is our own desires and what we can gain of it. Eventhough I was cautious and prayed throughout the process of being acquainted -my consciousness was awake- but it didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about myself aswell -what I’d finally have, how people would respond, that it would prove there was nothing wrong with me . To have the status, the person, the belonging.

But, no. Now it reminds me of the sour taste it left in my mouth. It was such a big lesson. I hurt someone in the process. And although it’s all over now in such a short time, its not like it never happened. I know there are things that need to be fixed.

I’ve come to conclude that the human eye only ever judges. It is without foresight, without self-control, it judges without discernment. It is cruel, and can only be soften when love is known to a one’s heart.
Where true beauty comes along, it is admiring someone for how much they love God and seek to follow walk in His ways.

If the day ever comes again with another, I hope he will be captured by seeing how I want to love God in my life.