Us

Last night was a night of worshiping, praying, even crying during Moments (of surrender and being still with the Lord). Last night was nervy, very very shy, excited, anticipating, it was dangerous for a moment then it was warm again and then. Last night saddened, disappointed.

Confusing, my feelings.

Distracting, as my focus drifts and emotions take over.

I said something to a dear person that I instantaneously regretted.

I woke up this morning, walked all across the four-way intersection into the main campus past the stadium, the path from my previous hostel under big shady fir trees and to the lake. I jogged fresh clean air fast into my lungs making them burn at first. And I walked on a long while, knowing I needed it.
I just needed time alone with my Lord. We haven’t had much time alone. I haven’t had any time to just walk/jog/run my tensions away.
I enjoyed this morning. Things got simple again.

I guess it’s just that it’s been a long while since these emotions, or the possibility of these emotions cropping up has seemed perceivable. Or even remotely serious.

The beginnings of things are so gentle, the unraveling of emotions so delicate. The glances and rehearsed lines spewed up at the ‘right’ ques. The conversations, the questions, the lengthy replies. The mind and it’s curiosity, tell me yours and I might just tell you whats in mine, while I secretly interpret the meanings of thine. The waiting, the quietness, the stark blankness of mind when your eyes stare back at mine.
It’s too much. I’m too afraid of too soon, yet silly impatient.

So I caution myself, I remind myself to remain in His love.

God, the one true eternal. Is my one security.
The one is no man.

 

 

lei

Trust encapsulated

Focusing more on the Lord and persevering to trust in Him has led me to an overall gladness.

Through my tears and let down in the beginnings of this semester, God has revealed to me that he is my eternity. I was contemplating so much about the idea of eternal bonds, or why I should even invest my most vulnerables in people (whom I love dearly) but are going to eventually put others first? The truth is though, no one can hold another’s eternal bond or guarantee to pay it back. I’m talking about life partners, best friends, life-long companions. In the end, we’re all human and there’s nothing eternal about us.

Except Christ.

And as I turned to Jesus through my stresses of being heavily laden by serving and trying to love unconditionally and yet feeling like I couldn’t really rely on anyone or should, I questioned where was my joy?
I began asking Him for it, and pondering if I had robbed myself of it.
Slowly as I wondered, God granted me a taste of his sweetness and posed me to go after him still though it was hard. And I did.

Today, I am blessed. Not more than I was then, but knowing I’ve grown to know to trust Him more brings me greater serenity. Knowing no one can be a life-long investment unless his/her guarantor is God, puts me at peace. Because I know all I have to do is to keep my eyes on him, continue to take faith in Him each day in this life and willingly love, give, serve because He is my source that never runs dry so I never will either. Growing in my trust towards him has enabled me to want to try and trust more in people, He is my eternal fallback after all. He’s got my back and I am secure.

Blessed day ahead.

 

lei