Adult life is a trap

I’m coming to my sixth month of working in Penang, at my first ever job as an adult.

The truth I’ve been keeping in from releasing to friends, this blog, God and most likely, to myself is that I’ve been struggling.

I’m stuck in the current of every day life. Waves push me and pull me. And I paddle just as best in the current to keep afloat. The only satisfaction I have in my “career” is the fulfilling feeling I get when I tell someone I am a writer, and knowing that I’m at least striving in hopes of being an author someday.

But I have so many reasons, to tell you that I’ve been sad.
Deep down, I am sad.

I recently admitted how I felt about being here, to my boyfriend. You’re not happy here, he said.

I have my joys, but my sorrows are increasingly outweighing them. Its my bosses, the depressing-sinkhole that is work life, the adulting and being far from the comforts of close friends and family – too many to reiterate for me to sound like I’m not complaining.

I never expected..adult life to be like a trap. You work for money, you need money to live, you work to live. So, essentially, work becomes your life.
Money = Power
Skills = Power (somewhat) because with it you have leverage for more money.

After I’ve enter adult life, and maybe its just me stepping back and observing, but you suddenly see it. The race. And everyone’s running in it.
People are posting and sharing their lives, more bloggers or newer still, instafamous individuals are coming up. Entrepreneurs with online businesses and creative people showcasing their stuff on social media. Everyone’s sharing and hopping on the social media biz.

Yet the more I see it, the more I feel helpless. The less I want to be apart of this human survival trend. There are so many, you are a drop in the ocean -what can actually make you any different?

I never wanted to complain. It felt like whenever someone asked me how I am or what I’m doing that I would sound like I’m complaining. This is a decision I made, with this job. I’m just going to suck it up and do my best. I need to be an adult. It’s just for now.
I didn’t want anyone to know that I’m struggling.

I didn’t want anyone to know that I’ve just been going through the motions, trying to keep my head above water.
That even with my relationship with God, I was just going through the motions. Doing just enough to keep it going.
I focus on things that keep me happy, try not to think too much about things because what can I do about it anyway?
Become instafamous? No. Buy a camera and start a Youtube channel? And put what on display? Leave my job? And live with my parents in Klang? Become an overnight blogging-wonder discovery?

Sometimes I feel pinned down in helplessness, like I’m watching life happen as I stand still. In that moment I ask myself, So what do I do?

 

 

lei