2019

I’ve been thinking alot lately about time, 2019, how I can make this year significant and also how I don’t want to be stuck in the same cycle over and over.

Like most times I think of these things and don’t pen/type them down. But maybe tonight it will be different.

I have read quotes and lines people use as their motto as often as anybody else but only recently really read one in particular closely. I really read it and wondered.

Have courage and be kind. Was that a verse? Why was the Bible and God always telling us to have courage? and why then be kind in suit with that?

A little back story to my life is that I have felt fear being a crippler of my pursuits. Always overthinking what people might say or already predicting the “outcome”, I would de-psyche myself out of things. For the fear of failure or even the failure of trying, I would opt to do nothing instead. I also used to be afraid of alot of things that did physically cripple me from moving.. but that’s another story.

Kindness is incredibly important, I find rudeness something that pulls me away from people. Kindness was the first thing that attracted me to Matt. I believe kindness is a natural byproduct of having love in our hearts; the love we know from God. It’s close to heart.

So maybe Have Courage and Be Kind could be my year’s motto (although it’s also the character Cinderella in the movie’s tagline to which makes me cringe). I’ve always been impressed and admired my dear friend who I’ve pegged as brave. About time for me to remember that staying in my shell will get me nowhere.

Should I touch on this?

2018 wasn’t easy.. It was good and happy all that, but I cried the hardest and it wasn’t anymore to do with the family/parents or skin/health issues anymore. It was grown up stuff like why am I here, what am I doing and..

the disappointment. I experienced from the people I that at one point or another been dearest to me or whom I invested in. Chose themselves, chose to do what they needed to do for themselves whether it meant saying hurtful things or leaving me because they felt for themselves it was for the best. I let them go.

Two breakdowns in six months really changed me, especially the second. The disappointment I felt experiencing the unkindness of people thinking only of themselves first, pushed me into my shell. I second guessed myself when I wanted to share any happiness on social media, I stopped wanting to initiate as much and I just let things go. Who knew sharing happy moments could spark bitterness and who knew wanting to be friends would be so complicated.

What my 2019 goal or mentality be moving on, one things is certain: there is just no time I need to give anymore to negativity and bitterness and “No’s”. Instead, Yes to working hard; Yes to better, more positive, understanding, mature and motivated peoples; Yes to God’s directives for my life and Yes..to daring to do what I truly want.

Shedding the President title and the Student title and the Writer title, a girlfriend, what do I offer and who am I? I need to be brave to try even if I fail, to find out. I need to remember kindness, to myself and others along the way.