Porcelain

The truth is,

We all have our insecurities

We all are made differently.

I am frustrated.

How self centered we are, I can be,

when we get twisted and assimilated

into the groups of people we’re with

and the world around us

The truth is,

For me,

putting up and maintaining this front

Is not that easy.

Just times like these

I look down at myself, crumbling

I am not as positive all the time

as I’d hope to be

I feel bad for the wrongs

I make when I don’t think

The truth is,

All I can do is be honest.

It’s scary how people can mistake that

Or just see right through me

I hear you calling,

I wait a little too long to answer

And then worry when I can’t find you

The truth is,

I’ve been looking forward to this for so long

To admit fear is as to lose to my worries

But I am

Because this means so much to me

Usually,

I hold up just fine.

And then there are days like these.

(A lost thought, some time ago)

Kissing dating goodbye

Welcome to the aftermath of breaking someone’s heart.

I try to avoid hearing, reading, seeing the person’s name. I really prefer not to talk about the situation. I fall silent and my emotions feel like they literally sink whenever something evokes the slightest thought of the person. It is a 60% guilt, 30% sadness and 10% frustration towards the fact that I have to go through this emotional concoction–and I am ready to just throw up the cocktail that I made myself drink in the first place.
Oh it seemed sweet at first, harmful and a little exciting. Seemingly what I wanted.

I don’t think I will date again.

Here’s that awful, gaunt feeling after you’ve thrown up. The wanting to cry but you can’t really.

Maybe there could be a reason for this
I wouldn’t have thought having a guy liking me could make me want to be single.

I’d rather be single.
God, did you really have a plan behind this?
I guess it was you prompting me to be careful with –

(A lost thought, written years ago)

2020

People are posting recaps of their year, but I hardly want to look back.

To be honest, not great things happened and while I’d like to remember the good, it takes effort to forget the bad especially ones this bad.

I went through a huge growth phase in the past year. I let go of a handful of ideals (which I’m happy to say are traits possibly writers and creatives like to hold near and dear, being imaginative and impractical all that), along with a handful or more of friends. I was eaten up alive in my spirit and will at my previous work place, my first experience of work life. I took on being alone and loneliness so much better because I accepted alot more hard things in life, through getting tired myself.

I would like to detail what happened last year, for memory but maybe not when the trauma is still only fading away.

Its the first day of the New Year and while I’ve felt this distance in my heart from many important facets of life lately.. Today was a new day. Albeit still continuing on my now month-long stomach anxiety, the drive today seemed much better. I put on Brooke Fraser, and let my mind go at ease. God’s presence seeped deep in me and I knew he has kept me to this day. God has been with me and seen me through the sh*t of last year to where I am now.

There are still some disappointments (see, ideals right?) with being home – like toughing it out in the church you’ve been your whole life, except six years of uni, with only one friend to count on–your cousin. And finding ways to live again with your family after learning how to live good on your own.

But all these are not the main point. It’s that this morning as with any other when I’m just being in His presence, I understood.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom the work that God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

When I thought of Him, none of any thing mattered. Not my daily trivialities, pursuit of money and debt-free life or better relationships; nothing really mattered.

God has given us a glimpse of an eternity, a sea compared to this drop we live in. I feel that the immense enormity could drown me. Yet we are so confined to this finite life of petty decisions like “What do I eat?” God surely laughs at us.

I wish I could tell people how I really don’t care for your biases towards me. I don’t want to waste time trying to prove myself to you. I’m here, I will be your friend. I don’t hate you.

I wish I didn’t have to run this rat race, but it feels like I should be here and use my minuit actions to make some lasting impressions.

I can do so much more, but if this is God and my purpose lies with me being here – I will do it.

 

 

I guess I see it clearer now

20/20

Where’s what’s Important?

We went to breakfast, I had my coffee and nasilemak.
Upon settling down at my desk this morning, the usual round on my phone (replying messages, the checking what I missed on social media)  my usual outcome, I came to a point, lately more pressed on time, that there is nothing important there for me.

Sadly I don’t receive updates from my friends and families, sharing their lives on the internet–when I can’t reach them. Though the main focus of Instagram has been to showcase beautiful pictures of our lives, it has just come down to sharing beautiful/attractive pictures devoid of meaning or in efforts to gain something.

So much beauty has marginalised and stifled actual good content: people’s actual sharing of their lives. I’ve stopped myself, of want to sound cooler, detached, in stead of my usual feeling and (over)-thinking self. It’s true that there is life outside of social media, where people are actually living.

(A thought one day)