A tale as old, as Time.

I lived in Penang for a total of 6 years. And while I was there, I longed to be home. I longed to take part in the routine of family life with the rest of my siblings; weekend brunches at coffee shops, supermarket trips with my mother, lazy Sunday afternoon tv time followed by an evening siesta.

What I went through on the island as a uni student was so gratifying and unexpected. After years of missing chances to serve in ministry like I wanted to, I finally could and I deep-dived into it head first. I learned, surrendered, reflected – I grew so much. Finally being on my own and serving helped me draw closer to God in a way I’d never been able to. I spent so much time with him sitting at my desk, taking walks with him, talking about him with friends. I felt so fulfilled as a uni student. I even found love (when I gave up on it) while serving.

Coming back to work was a whole different ball game. It was my choice, in a way. Matt and I were only half-a-year old. I still couldn’t see myself working in the city, I wasn’t very confident. I guess I was scared. I was a Social Science grad who wanted to write but was too fresh cut green for KL. When I found a job ad in a medium-sized integrated media agency in Georgetown, I took it as a sign.

It was a sign of impending doom, however.

It was hard, as all first jobs are. But coupled with a cunning lady boss who paid less than average, and cheap living spaces, the good days were followed very swiftly by the bad days. It went in a vicious circle until I could stand it no longer. I felt devalued as a person. Words of praise could not be exchanged for money to move out of a tiny room with two unkept sisters. High demand, overt pettiness and unpaid bonuses didn’t cause me better sleep at night, not especially when my landlady starts wailing in the middle of the night thinking I can’t hear every sniffle and sob or when the married couple downstairs start having a loud argument, kids getting beaten, crying and all. At one point, I was so afraid of coming back. There were rats roaming about my apartment entrance. (One of them was blind so he moved towards sound.)

I wondered why I was even there working like a dog for a boss who’d blame us for dropping profits when we could see torn up documents of her funneling the company’s revenue into her own account in the recycling box. One day we’d be celebrating CNY and the next she’d be slamming her diamond-ring(s) clad hand onto the glass table shouting “What is this year’s plan?”

In hindsight, I don’t regret any of my choices. What was bitter only made the rest all the more sweeter. Matt and I grew so strong. The friendships that continued to give and grow stood the passing phase of life.

I just came out of it changed. I knew what was most important to me, and I knew myself better.

I believe that if you know what you want, and you go for it, nothing you do is a waste of time. That’s why I spend time with my family, and with those who enrich my life and I theirs. Time and freedom are all I want, and I will cherish it with all that I’ve got.

That’s why I’m cherishing this time to stay at home. This time I’m learning to love the time I spend with myself doing whatever I want slowly; reading, writing, watching favourite tv-show reruns. I hope you find love in yourself too.

 

 

lei