How do you do it?

I don’t know, that’s why. And I wonder how everyone else is okay.

Between myself and everyone else, it’s like I revel in all my weaknesses – because no one seems to show much.

I’m running on reserves. The end of my mileage before the engine stops puttering and spitting and rolls to a halt. Losing my will to do anything. Its odd because I’ve stopped rolling down a dark hill (ish). I’ve left my job, no one specific to blame for that (well) leading me to beautiful—and very likely God-orchestrated—open doors.

But it’s crazy, is it because I’m lacking a routine? Is it truly the over year long home working situation? It most likely has contributed.

To the best of my abilities I’ve deduced that I’m in dire need of quality connections. There are some things that can’t take the place of solid conversations that spill over time. Conversations that heal and reveal, that find both sides with ample takeaways of food for thought.

Today I settled for opening up my Bible app and listening to Don Moen. Sitting in quietness with God provides the same healing. And as I spoke to him the worries running the background ceased to notify me of their existence temporarily.

It’s not difficult to build up anxieties over this pandemic, which we all try to accept but might still be holding our breathes over. Like can the fog lift already?

I try to find distraction and satisfaction in alternate realities; happy endings on tv or in books. However, four episodes in on a recent night, I resigned to the fact that happy endings are not guaranteed, nor lasting and waiting for them takes uncountable hours per dose. The next time, tonight, I turned to sitting with God.

When I had thought to quit, I cautioned myself that I couldn’t and shouldn’t damage my (productivity) momentum. With freed up mental capacity, I was also looking forward to write again—on my readied new laptop—and explore other means of living. But now that we’re here and I smell the burnt tires while typing on the phone too unbothered to get Carrie Bradshaw-inspired on the MacBook, it seems the symptoms are showing. This all is going to be a work in progress and I’ll be needing God to peacefully get me there, wherever there is.