Just what they were.

You know how certain songs can stir your emotions all up.

Even when you weren’t feeling emo, you are now.

Even if you weren’t thinking of that person, you are now.

I think that’s kinda like how you are to me.

There are some songs that will remind me of a good time in the past where images of my family laughing comes to mind, or a bad moment from when I ran away from a boy I thought was what I thought he was,

You’re kind of like a great tune. Great to drive to, head nod to, the track circles around and its a good vibe. And then the song ends.

I’ll only remember the feelings when it plays again.

Well you have 2 songs.

455AM thoughts

There’s nothing quite as liberating than love; than loving you.
There’s nothing quite as constricting as love; as the fear of losing, the unwillingness to let go.
Yet love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It doesn’t demand it’s own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn’t rejoice about injustice but rejoices when truth prevails. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstances.

After-shave

With my legs crossed on the table, I’m enjoying the view of the day on my right and a mug of chamomile tea sweetened with honey, on my left.

In my slightly impaired breathing capacity I breathe in an out of place scent. It’s not been done recently, this sitting and just existing in time. It’s been a busy start to my final semester. Preparing, going, stopping, finding my footing with the twists and twirls of it all. Coping with friends leaving and moving ahead. Grasping the idea of a future away from my 4 year shelter. Then again, I question when exactly will I or anyone be ready for the beginning of the end? And still, in the midst of it all..finding time to enjoy being someone’s lady companion..? Friend that you talk to and will to talk to constantly in an endless conversation? Person who always wants to listen to what you have to say and think about? Hmm.

Clearly I’m still wrapping my head around the idea of being a girlfriend. *eeps! Like rashers of bacon clung scantily on sticks of taut green asparagus, I’m nothing as confident as that. But I’d wrap around my *friend and cling happily to the thought we’d make a delicious pairing. He makes me really happy. And though it’s a lot for my need-to-overprocess-everything mind, I’m greedily collecting so much more memory than I can digest because I can’t stand not to. I try not to wish for more time too often, because we’ll have a lifetime (and more with God), but it’s a losing battle between the brain, heart and body in itself.

With my legs crossed on the table I’m enjoying the view of the day on my right and chamomile tea you gave me sweetened with honey, on my left. In my slightly impaired breathing capacity I breathe in an out of place scent. Musky, muted, masculine. Man. Your aftershave on my sleeve.

 

lei

Love’s rat race

After many walks and showers alone to my thoughts, I felt that I need to say I really detest that I’ve come to think of love as a rat race.

Of all ideals or notions, it has come to this.

I like things slow, I am not a slow person-but I just hate rushing. And this is exactly what it is, I feel like I have to rush, to eye up, target straight and cash in on that one good guy who hasn’t been noticed.

Truth is, when I’m not almost always too late -I’m cripplingly disappointed.

Even now, being in a new environment it’s starting all over again. Its sounds like I’m objectifying men, or turning it into a scenario where dozens of women enter into a shopping mall are strolling past men. Each one of his own, constantly changing -growing better or worse. All with potential, characteristics, ingredients made out of listed in the back. Some more expensive than others, some scuffed up from rough handling. I know how it sounds, but sometimes it really feels like this.

When they’re interested, it’s not reciprocated and they move on. I don’t know you all that well, how can it be wrong not to get all exclusive all of a sudden. Yet when there is enough time and I realise for all the right reasons why I’m fond of our friendship, it’s already too late.

That or the feeling of being inappropriate. For caring so much for a person who views you only as a friend. How could I have known.

All in all, its been tiring. The moment I love myself and where I am, its usually me and my girls not caring about any future prospects. I’m almost at a standstill at this point, and its only until a status or photo on Facebook that.. Oh.

Not ironically, I love walks. Physically my low or lack of stamina allows me to be guilt free about not running. Walking is also one of the ways I get to know people better. No pressure of making eye-contact, awkward pauses are less awkward with the intercepting of leaves crunching, wind blowing and people walking by.

I’ll take my time, and walk my walk. And I guess it’ll have to wait and see if I ever match someone else’ pace.

lei