I looked for someone like you

I used to talk to God all the time.

As a child, I used to pray for my parents, probably as my first prayers ever, and cried to God.

As a teenager, I would lay on the bed and talk out all I had in my head, out loud. Not too loud, just loud enough.

When I went to university, I would stretch my legs across my desk and stare at the mornings while I wrote down my thoughts to Him. Or lay sleepless in the night, pondering, sometimes praying.

I used to play the guitar in my room at home, and strum the same chord progressions because it would soothe my heart.

I remember in my final year, I told God my desire for a boyfriend. With all the specifics.

On my drives to work, I would talk to God. I remember my first day driving to work in Georgetown, so nervous I got lost.

 

Over the years, I laughed and cried and talked as though He were right beside me.

 

The conversations have lessened alot. Though I still feel Him.

 

I’ve missed talking to you, now I realise no one understands me the way I need them to, as much as you do.

 

455AM thoughts

There’s nothing quite as liberating than love; than loving you.
There’s nothing quite as constricting as love; as the fear of losing, the unwillingness to let go.
Yet love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It doesn’t demand it’s own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn’t rejoice about injustice but rejoices when truth prevails. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstances.

Looking out the window

I always believe that everything is a conscious effort. Every move is a conscious decision we make as small as it is, it determines who we are, affecting who we’ll be and the relationships we keep.

I believe that in my tight knit of friends, we’ve never been this way before. Break it down to only me and my best, I know that every time I choose to say something that uplifts her and encourage her, our friendship climbs a little higher and proves to grow a little stronger.

My family is an entity very close to my heart like the stitches keeping it together. Even they have shown me, that as I’m growing up and learning  to not talk so much, my parents are slowly starting to listen to me. Sure, they still don’t for the most part, but when I honestly told each of them to be kinder to one another, they didn’t hiss back at me. I know they heard it.

And having to have worked for the past three months, and now still working but with more flexible schedule, I’ve felt the need to make every effort I can to stay by them until I felt sad when I couldn’t. Even if it’s just watching the news or eating dinners together. They know it and I know that I’m leaving soon and there’s a little heartache within our little home and the cars we ride in. Silently when I hear the Mother’s Day greetings on the radio and families be so effortlessly loving on tv,  I etch closer in my courage to tell them how I feel. Once in awhile it falls after a fight, and even then the guilt I feel for fighting with my folks is so strong.

At the same time,

I know I’m walking along the grassy patches. The plush carpets that grow between paths.

I know and I’m looking at things, I’m taking a conscious effort to put you in. Ask you if this is right, because I know in the depths of my heart..I know I want to always be faithful.

As much as this is fun and new and exciting, there’s this one thing where everybody feels and experienced before. Something’s missing. I don’t know about them, but I know it’s you. Sure, it sounds like I’m talking to thin air..but between the physical, mental and emotional threads that make me, there’s a living breathing need to be loved. To be accepted and assured by family. Sure a human family and a partner and friends, but first and foremost a family that is you.

I’d always have this habit of looking out the window; Standing by the doors of my classroom or staring up into the sky on my walks. I always wanted to know what was there, beyond what I could see and all the promise it held for me. Just like how beautifully you’d paint the sky, maybe my life could hold that much wonder.

Looking out the window, as a metaphoric mini me in my soul looks out into life, I’d like to see myself waking up beside a man who loves me in a life that makes you proud of me. As much as I can’t predetermine the course of my life and I need to be open to what life gives me, it’s these seemingly unimportant decisions that will bring me to my destination. And, I choose to not go with the flow. I choose to be led.

And that’s my decision.

lei