Drawn out by strings

Hi it’s been awhile.

After leaving my last job, every day I have been living in the clouds – afraid of the day the lightness I feel will dissipate and I will descent into reality.

I have been working at my own pace. Company is home and we entertain ourselves in this lockdown with cooking, eating and planning our next mundane activity.

The days go by not without each’ thought and emotion. I feel guilty and greedy. I feel so happy to own a block of time removed from everyone and everything else. Sometimes the sadness creeps in and the anxiousness threatens when projects loom (before I get the chance to break them down to achievable scales).

I’ve not felt like writing nor at peace like I do now.

Drawn out by the classics, the emotions I feel seems comprehendible and melodic to my soul. My own thoughts played back to me.

I miss the world and all its hubbub. But at least I’m far away enough to enjoy my peace of this world where I am.

28 and not needing reality like it needs me.

lei

Where’s what’s Important?

We went to breakfast, I had my coffee and nasilemak.
Upon settling down at my desk this morning, the usual round on my phone (replying messages, the checking what I missed on social media)  my usual outcome, I came to a point, lately more pressed on time, that there is nothing important there for me.

Sadly I don’t receive updates from my friends and families, sharing their lives on the internet–when I can’t reach them. Though the main focus of Instagram has been to showcase beautiful pictures of our lives, it has just come down to sharing beautiful/attractive pictures devoid of meaning or in efforts to gain something.

So much beauty has marginalised and stifled actual good content: people’s actual sharing of their lives. I’ve stopped myself, of want to sound cooler, detached, in stead of my usual feeling and (over)-thinking self. It’s true that there is life outside of social media, where people are actually living.

(A thought one day)

Adult life is a trap

I’m coming to my sixth month of working in Penang, at my first ever job as an adult.

The truth I’ve been keeping in from releasing to friends, this blog, God and most likely, to myself is that I’ve been struggling.

I’m stuck in the current of every day life. Waves push me and pull me. And I paddle just as best in the current to keep afloat. The only satisfaction I have in my “career” is the fulfilling feeling I get when I tell someone I am a writer, and knowing that I’m at least striving in hopes of being an author someday.

But I have so many reasons, to tell you that I’ve been sad.
Deep down, I am sad.

I recently admitted how I felt about being here, to my boyfriend. You’re not happy here, he said.

I have my joys, but my sorrows are increasingly outweighing them. Its my bosses, the depressing-sinkhole that is work life, the adulting and being far from the comforts of close friends and family – too many to reiterate for me to sound like I’m not complaining.

I never expected..adult life to be like a trap. You work for money, you need money to live, you work to live. So, essentially, work becomes your life.
Money = Power
Skills = Power (somewhat) because with it you have leverage for more money.

After I’ve enter adult life, and maybe its just me stepping back and observing, but you suddenly see it. The race. And everyone’s running in it.
People are posting and sharing their lives, more bloggers or newer still, instafamous individuals are coming up. Entrepreneurs with online businesses and creative people showcasing their stuff on social media. Everyone’s sharing and hopping on the social media biz.

Yet the more I see it, the more I feel helpless. The less I want to be apart of this human survival trend. There are so many, you are a drop in the ocean -what can actually make you any different?

I never wanted to complain. It felt like whenever someone asked me how I am or what I’m doing that I would sound like I’m complaining. This is a decision I made, with this job. I’m just going to suck it up and do my best. I need to be an adult. It’s just for now.
I didn’t want anyone to know that I’m struggling.

I didn’t want anyone to know that I’ve just been going through the motions, trying to keep my head above water.
That even with my relationship with God, I was just going through the motions. Doing just enough to keep it going.
I focus on things that keep me happy, try not to think too much about things because what can I do about it anyway?
Become instafamous? No. Buy a camera and start a Youtube channel? And put what on display? Leave my job? And live with my parents in Klang? Become an overnight blogging-wonder discovery?

Sometimes I feel pinned down in helplessness, like I’m watching life happen as I stand still. In that moment I ask myself, So what do I do?

 

 

lei

455AM thoughts

There’s nothing quite as liberating than love; than loving you.
There’s nothing quite as constricting as love; as the fear of losing, the unwillingness to let go.
Yet love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It doesn’t demand it’s own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of wrongs. It doesn’t rejoice about injustice but rejoices when truth prevails. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstances.

The stretch marks of love

There will be no one that replaces you.

In the bus leaving my homecity after 2 and a half days of an impromptu round trip back and all I truly need is to lean onto you in your embrace.
In a tipping point of my life, in a blooming phase of my life, all the more.
Why do I feel like there’s such a struggle to meet the needs, the standards of others. I’ve been a loyal friend, tried to always be present because I know that’s my best that I can offer and to be thoughtful. To love with every inch of my fibre.
When I can’t and I can’t meet that requirement (that I’ve set for myself and others come to expect of me), it really disappoints.
I want to be released from it, however it’s not that commitments and relationships don’t go through their strains.
I just want all of them to know this. How could you ever doubt I love you? I just need time. I just need a little space.

Yet I’m sorry if I ever think I’m more important than anything or anyone. I’m not.
I wrote this a few days prior, not knowing I’d find myself here.

– “The way of a Christian is not to insist on his or her own way.
The way of a Christian is sacrificial because our lives are to be sacrificial.
If we insisted on our terms, things happen according to our timing and our way which does no allign with the idea that we should always surrender to His plan.
The way of a Christian is giving in to others and making way for others, not being stepped on but righteously kowtowing because we are to be like Christ -humble in every way. Thinking of ourselves as nothing, but not insignificant.
And in all of these, our happiness is not relinquished or given up but our true fulfilment and joy comes from the Lord. ”

And truthfully my joy has come only from the Lord. The gift I’ve been given has been given from the Lord. Yes I’ve done my part and I am who I am, for who he loves is me. But I will never ever deny the goodness that He has really given me.

“Every good thing I have comes from the Lord.” Psalms 16

 
Trying.

lei