Quarantined from the world

Can I escape the reality that work and other commitments permeate?

It’s coming through my screens, my personal space, my mental space. I want to read more and be happy in a world far away without the notification of responsibility.

What is it you want from me now?

Is my time so touchable to you, because let me tell you it shouldn’t be.

The more I stay at home, rushing work and waiting for the clock to past the time where it’s obviously not working time..the more I want my non-work hours to pace more languidly..the more I want to escape..and disconnect from everyone and everything.

I have been wanting to write more stories during this time, if only it wasn’t where I spend most of my day at.

I looked for someone like you

I used to talk to God all the time.

As a child, I used to pray for my parents, probably as my first prayers ever, and cried to God.

As a teenager, I would lay on the bed and talk out all I had in my head, out loud. Not too loud, just loud enough.

When I went to university, I would stretch my legs across my desk and stare at the mornings while I wrote down my thoughts to Him. Or lay sleepless in the night, pondering, sometimes praying.

I used to play the guitar in my room at home, and strum the same chord progressions because it would soothe my heart.

I remember in my final year, I told God my desire for a boyfriend. With all the specifics.

On my drives to work, I would talk to God. I remember my first day driving to work in Georgetown, so nervous I got lost.

 

Over the years, I laughed and cried and talked as though He were right beside me.

 

The conversations have lessened alot. Though I still feel Him.

 

I’ve missed talking to you, now I realise no one understands me the way I need them to, as much as you do.

 

A tale as old, as Time.

I lived in Penang for a total of 6 years. And while I was there, I longed to be home. I longed to take part in the routine of family life with the rest of my siblings; weekend brunches at coffee shops, supermarket trips with my mother, lazy Sunday afternoon tv time followed by an evening siesta.

What I went through on the island as a uni student was so gratifying and unexpected. After years of missing chances to serve in ministry like I wanted to, I finally could and I deep-dived into it head first. I learned, surrendered, reflected – I grew so much. Finally being on my own and serving helped me draw closer to God in a way I’d never been able to. I spent so much time with him sitting at my desk, taking walks with him, talking about him with friends. I felt so fulfilled as a uni student. I even found love (when I gave up on it) while serving.

Coming back to work was a whole different ball game. It was my choice, in a way. Matt and I were only half-a-year old. I still couldn’t see myself working in the city, I wasn’t very confident. I guess I was scared. I was a Social Science grad who wanted to write but was too fresh cut green for KL. When I found a job ad in a medium-sized integrated media agency in Georgetown, I took it as a sign.

It was a sign of impending doom, however.

It was hard, as all first jobs are. But coupled with a cunning lady boss who paid less than average, and cheap living spaces, the good days were followed very swiftly by the bad days. It went in a vicious circle until I could stand it no longer. I felt devalued as a person. Words of praise could not be exchanged for money to move out of a tiny room with two unkept sisters. High demand, overt pettiness and unpaid bonuses didn’t cause me better sleep at night, not especially when my landlady starts wailing in the middle of the night thinking I can’t hear every sniffle and sob or when the married couple downstairs start having a loud argument, kids getting beaten, crying and all. At one point, I was so afraid of coming back. There were rats roaming about my apartment entrance. (One of them was blind so he moved towards sound.)

I wondered why I was even there working like a dog for a boss who’d blame us for dropping profits when we could see torn up documents of her funneling the company’s revenue into her own account in the recycling box. One day we’d be celebrating CNY and the next she’d be slamming her diamond-ring(s) clad hand onto the glass table shouting “What is this year’s plan?”

In hindsight, I don’t regret any of my choices. What was bitter only made the rest all the more sweeter. Matt and I grew so strong. The friendships that continued to give and grow stood the passing phase of life.

I just came out of it changed. I knew what was most important to me, and I knew myself better.

I believe that if you know what you want, and you go for it, nothing you do is a waste of time. That’s why I spend time with my family, and with those who enrich my life and I theirs. Time and freedom are all I want, and I will cherish it with all that I’ve got.

That’s why I’m cherishing this time to stay at home. This time I’m learning to love the time I spend with myself doing whatever I want slowly; reading, writing, watching favourite tv-show reruns. I hope you find love in yourself too.

 

 

lei

Hope & Expectations

There are more important things.

Than being petty with you over money and pride, over role and control,

Being disappointed when expectations aren’t met, despite such great hope for a long (ish) term career and what seemed a great opportunity to grow far

For a stable good income to afford savings and contribution to my parents after 2 years

Persevering under unappreciative, biased and manipulative bosses – of the least i can hope, praise of my contribution at its finality was true.

The thought of friends complaining over cheap last minute gifts or gifts that weren’t as expensive as theirs

Friends who do not spare time to understand, but put first their own pain

There are more important things.

Like giving more time and money to my parents, when its time for them to stop taking care of us

Appreciating friends who loved me as I told them to wait on my gifts

Being patient now with men in my life who sacrificed first so I could advance

Loving those around me and those I’ve left behind

I want to live for and believe I live for greater meaning.

There are more important things in life than those I leave behind.

 

as much as it does still hurt.

 

 

lei

Porcelain

The truth is,

We all have our insecurities

We all are made differently.

I am frustrated.

How self centered we are, I can be,

when we get twisted and assimilated

into the groups of people we’re with

and the world around us

The truth is,

For me,

putting up and maintaining this front

Is not that easy.

Just times like these

I look down at myself, crumbling

I am not as positive all the time

as I’d hope to be

I feel bad for the wrongs

I make when I don’t think

The truth is,

All I can do is be honest.

It’s scary how people can mistake that

Or just see right through me

I hear you calling,

I wait a little too long to answer

And then worry when I can’t find you

The truth is,

I’ve been looking forward to this for so long

To admit fear is as to lose to my worries

But I am

Because this means so much to me

Usually,

I hold up just fine.

And then there are days like these.

(A lost thought, some time ago)